Sunday, May 29, 2005

Splendiforous! Or, not.

I was all excited when I first heard about new Diet Coke being made with Splenda. I mean really, like a kid at Christmas. I used to love Diet Coke, years ago before I realized (with some help from my doctor) that my near daily migraine attacks were caused in part by my near daily consumption of Diet Coke and other Nutrasweet-laden items. So I bid a bittersweet adieu to all things aspartame, which is a lot more difficult than it sounds. My migraines became more infrequent and less intense almost immediately when I modified my eating habits. I became an avid label-reader and was stunned to realize how many food products contain Nutrasweet. Almost all diet sodas and drink mixes, gum and mints, even bread and yogurt, not to mention things like cough syrup and pain relievers. Anything labeled as "sugar-free" or "reduced sugar" and even some things that are "fat-free" use aspartame to add flavor via sweetness. So, when Splenda came around I was happy to see a potentially viable alternative to Nutrasweet that hopefully lacked the side effects that aspartame causes in some people.

I was finally able to find the new Diet Coke with Splenda in the grocery store the other day and, well, it tastes like dirt. Sweet, caffeinated, carbonated dirt. Sad. I hope this isn't the final product.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

And in the Cause and Effect Department...?

Words Containing Amy: Chlamydia and Monogamy. Discuss.
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In other news, damn Old Navy and their catchy jingles! I had SuperSkirt! haunting my dreamless sleep last night. Look outtasight, day or night! The skirt's all riiiight, yeah. Hey hey hey hey! SuperSkirt, Superflirt! It's SuperSkirt-y, yow. I want to stab myself in the ear so I won't be able to hear it anymore. Argh! However, I'm left wondering if these are very kinky skirts, the kind you don't take home to Mother. In any case, it'd be a lot more entertaining if Dave Chapelle made an appearance at the end of the commercial to declare, "I'm Rick James, bitch."

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Furniture That Flushes!

My apartment stinks (both literally and figuratively) and I hate looking for a new one by myself. I need someone there to give me feedback and tell me things; like despite the cheap rent, five foot high ceilings or velcro floors are probably not the best choice. Okay, well maybe those are exaggerations but I did see an apartment where the landlord told me the bathroom had been "split up" due to remodeling. What this meant, as it turned out, was that while the shower was enclosed in it's own room (actually more like a closet), the toilet was freestanding on one side of the living room. No walls around it or anything (well, it was up against a wall, complete with attached toilet paper holder, but you know what I mean), just all out in the open like a piece of furniture. Furniture that flushes. As for the sink, well there's already one in the kitchen. Why do you need two? I couldn't tell if the guy really didn't think any of this was weird or if he was just trying to convince me that a living room toilet would be a fun! novelty! item! that would make me the hit of the party. Either people here are doing too many drugs, or I'm not doing enough.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

What Would Freud Do?

I had some very strange dreams last night. In one of them, I wrapped up a baby sea lion in a white blanket and I carried it around with me everywhere. Later, I gave it a bath in someone's jacuzzi. In another dream I put broccoli in my shoes, and contemplated broccoli socks. I'm sure there's all kinds of symbolism here, but I'll be damned if I can figure it out.

Monday, May 16, 2005

Festering Feet... Now with Summer Rain Floral Freshness!

I'll probably be moving to a new apartment when my lease is up here in August. I don't love this place like I loved my last apartment and I am growing less and less enamored with my immediate neighbors and the building in general. The building smells funny and I know that's really weird but it bothers me. It's a strange combination of stale cigarettes, boiled meat, mildew and festering feet. There was some construction going on when I moved in, so everything smelled like paint and sawdust and new carpet. But once that dissipated, there's just this weird lingering fetid organic smell. I tried some of those plug in air fresheners, but that resulted in a lingering organic fetid smell with new Summer Rain floral freshness which was even more hideous.

But one of the bigger problems is my next-door neighbor. She's obnoxious and loud and has vicious fights with her boyfriend in the middle of the night. It's fun to be awakened on a regular basis by people screaming obscenities! Then they have the make-up sex. Let's just say the walls here are really thin and I know waaaaay too much about how she likes it. But the really fun thing was when the bounty hunters showed up looking for her at two o'clock in the morning a couple of weeks ago. It seems she had been on house arrest and had violated her parole or something. I should tell you this girl is nineteen years old, so I really wonder what she did to merit the deployment of bounty hunters. I'm guessing it wouldn't be for unpaid parking tickets. Anyway, I'd like to live someplace where I can sleep at night and where I don't have to know so much about my neighbor's unsettling fetishes and arrest record. All suggestions welcome.

Random Musings (the first post!)

There's a place down the street from me called "Amy Insurance". Now, I can be a little clumsy at times but I didn't realize I required insurance to be an Amy. I wonder if I am a properly registered Amy, displaying current plates and tags? In any case, I'm probably long overdue for a safety inspection. Or is the insurance to protect the public at large from Amy-related natural disasters and potential damage caused by roving herds of Amys?